living moments

whenemotionsfail2hide

I like to write it down as I feel something,

Because the emotions that govern the thoughts,

Provoked by the environment in the moment,

Allows me to make sense of it all,

By tieing the two together;

Not to draw conclusions, but a simple reminder,

That allows for a moment to come back down from it all.

A clear mind and peaceful heart,

That leads me to a more clear depiction,

Of what it was I felt.

Through patience an understanding is reached,

Clouded judgements avoided,

And an an answer I’ll meet.

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Targetted

four years ago today. Four years of learning to accept and more importantly understand it all

whenemotionsfail2hide

Pressure in all directions, shapes, strengths;

Like waves of uncomfortable comfort,

It offers a heart.

To feel surrounded, pushing a soul,

Out of a box:

Overwhelmed by foreign voices, sites and opportunity;

Rendered blind, uncertain in another certainty,

And a question of what is right.

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The sky is gonna drown (an old letter-to-self of a young, lost, broken-hearted girl)

Born into my mind as a premonition unfolds,

With feelings, an unknowing, no denying.

 

Accumulation then proceeded by the humiliation,

Unsatisfying, but the pain so beautifully suffices. 

 

These eyes look… but the images are ill;

Purely reminders of how I imagined it had been.

Dreams indicate the extent to which it invades my feelings toward you now. 

 

Affection exists only in a superfluous moment before returning to nothing;

Like the uncontainable flashes of light in a dense cover,

A thunderstorm like no other.

 

Proud: you against me,

Is this really competition or merely lashing out in pain?

No desire for gain…?

In the conscious, but dare we say what lies beneath.

 

~I dont hate you,

But I hate this pain~

inexistant boundries- paper walls come down

Going back to what once whispered familiarity- a sort of constant;

But after time spent away reaches a certain mark,

a newfound familiarity, friends, food, feelings;

An ever-fading memory of the otherwise known- shown.

 

He showed her where he was- she accepted.

And now as she returns to her place of prior existance,

She knows it;s just vacation.

 

And eventually she will feel home-sick- confirmation of it all.

She knows she will go back to her known, and for the first time it will be different,

– not her only home…

 

And she will smile as she realises her chance to have that feeling more than once,

In more than one place,

She has felt- home.

Her note-to-self: __about love & jealousy & pain & sadness, life & death.

He saved me because he broke me with love…

You know, when I was depressive I would try hurt myself in various ways just to feel pain, to feel something;

And it worked… however momentary.

The pain was there as the blade entered my flesh, when the blood began to rush to the surface, followed by the chilling tingles rushing through my nerv…

– But, the next day the pain was gone and after that it was only a matter of hours before the healing began to overpower that of its counterpart…

So when I came here I was like ‘pfff‘,

then slowly this escalated feeling overtook and love became my trip,

until one day my shadow (me) faded to superfluous smidgens of grey…

He broke me, cut right through my heart, so deep.

This extreme feeling so profound I wanted to live again knowing that I could feel- something -so real, so pure, so true.